Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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