this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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