Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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