okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
How does one acquire holy water?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
