throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
