slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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