Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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