I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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