Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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