Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
