I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
