They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
