Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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