Who did Billy Mays play for?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
