I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
