I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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