It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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