i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
