why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
