apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
