Only a mothe r could love this liver
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
