My sheets look like a crime scene.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
