I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
