Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
