Pants 0. Shit 1.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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