Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Randomize
