I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
OPIZZABONMYDICK
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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