I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
