We're facebook friends in real life
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
