Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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