So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
