If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
