Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
