this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
