theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
