i used baking grease as lip gloss
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
