Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
