I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
