Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
