Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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