i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
