i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
