I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
