I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
