New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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