I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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