DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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