Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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