I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
