my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Randomize
